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The Secret History
05:49
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there’s a hundred bodies buried in the ground
on the hill that we drove past to go to your dead father’s house
where they laid you down with all the other wilted women
who lit candles by the river and talked to themselves out loud
on the way home in the bleary grey dark october fog
I swore I saw a shadow moving in the rain that hit the car
I’d love to be wrong
I’d love to be wrong about death
you were the safety orange-gold of home
the porch light on, the electric thrum passed through, coursing around you
when I saw your face change from stern to angry musing then I knew
there was nothing that I could do
when I stepped inside your all consuming grace the first time around
it was all I could do to lie down and serve for you
I’d love to be wrong
I’d love to be wrong about death
I had my whole life
been a vessel waiting to be used
turned out and born anew
I am standing in the empty space
the vacant place that I had tied you to
it was easier to die
than to lose you (than to lose to you)
I’d love to be wrong
I’d love to be wrong about death
but you could never prove me wrong
so I write you out of all my memoirs
since he doesn’t like it when I talk
about the things that used to make me
feel alive now nearly break me
and I can never be convinced
that you love me now like you loved me then
the best that I can do for you is
walk away my black and blue
I’m in denial of everything I used to understand
so why do I feel the need to
let you hurt me the way you want to
I never recognised the way that people say it kills
but now I do
now I do
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Anyone's Ghost Manchester, UK
Anyone’s Ghost is the solo project of Manchester based musician Wanda Roslyn. Writing about old poems and cold days, Wanda can often be found playing these songs in dreary North West bars and rainy city streets.
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